I’ve done okay for myself professionally. But it wasn't always warm cookies and high-fives in Sethland. No, the road to moderate success is many-forked indeed. And most of the paths lead to really, really crappy jobs. Here are a few I've worked.
Adjunct Professor: The University of Missouri-St. Louis
There comes a point in every teacher’s career where he lowers his expectations. Not of his students, mind you, but of the impact he can have as a teacher. Heading into my first semester as a teacher, I was a wide-eyed idealist, eager to nurture a love of writing in every one of my students.
After a few semesters of thesis statements like “The theme of Jaws is that there is a shark swimming around the ocean murdering people,” my standards dropped. I no longer wanted to nurture a love of writing. If anything, I saw it as my duty to ensure my students never put a pen to paper again.
By the time I stopped teaching, the quality of their writing was no longer even an issue. I just wanted to dress debonairly enough to maintain my status as “hot” on ratemyprofessors.com.
Bouncer: The Hidden Shamrock
I’m not going to tell you about the time I had to kick an off-duty, gun-toting cop out of the bar. And I won’t tell you what was in the 50 lbs duffel bag a stripper asked me to carry into the private party room. I’m not going to tell you how I helped a 6’8”, 320 lbs bodyguard through a mid-life crisis in the men’s room. Nor will I detail the time my own bar manager sent two “regulars” to beat me up.
Instead, I’ll just say that while bouncers are in the unenviable position of having to regulate stupid people who are further impaired by alcohol, I must’ve liked it, because I did it for six years.
Shit Scraper: University of Kansas Animal Care Unit
“Animal Care Unit.” Sounds great, right? Rehab some weakened puppies, maybe hang out with some ill-tempered cats. Worst-case scenario, dump some crickets into a tarantula cage.
Wrong. My job was to remove feces from rodent terrariums using a rusty paint scraper. After they were clean, I placed them on a conveyor belt, which carried them through high-pressure, scorching hot water showers. I did this alone, in a tiny hot room with a radio that intermittently received the AM band. I made minimum wage. As if that weren't bad enough, here's a real conversation I had with my boss one day.
ME: “Do you think since we work closely with so much mouse and rat feces, we’re in any danger of contracting the hantavirus?”
MY BOSS: Well, hell. I’d never even thought about that.
Bookseller: Barnes & Noble
Do you remember that sullen, bitter, wearied guy who helped you track down a copy of Dan Brown’s “Digital Fortress” when you visited Barnes & Noble in 2006? Yeah, that was probably me.
If I seemed distracted, it was probably because I was trying to figure out how long it would take to pay off 100K in undergraduate and graduate loans while making $9.75/Hr.
I hope you enjoyed the book.